10 Ways to Fuck Up Your Job Interview

10 ways to fuck up your job interview

I sensationally fucked up several job interviews. In one I burst into tears (1). Another I couldn’t answer a standard question because my anxiety level exploded (2), and a third interview was where my bosses told me the job they had in mind for me was worth a lot less than the one I was already in, so – thanks you fuckers (3). End of a miserable career in concrete.

Hello teaching English in Japan. Which was a very good career change at an excellent time. So, small mercies.

Sometimes it is a good thing to fuck up your interview.

A job interview is an easy thing to stuff up, and a very hard thing to get right. I wish I had gotten to that stage where I could utilise my diploma, degree, experience and know-how to secure ‘the perfect job’. I’m pretty sure I begged for a job once and that didn’t work either. So don’t beg (4).

However, to be frank, the perfect job rarely exists. I’m still waiting for Masterchef to invite me to taste-test at 5 star restaurants comparing to contestants because Buddha knows I need a job and would be exceptional at that. Or road-testing couches. Just try me. For $1,000 plus a week I’m your woman, as long as I don’t have to suffer through an interview first.

The most recent debacle of a job interview was for a local government position, as a Records Management and Receptionist, in contract for 12 months, part-time (2 days a week).

Famous social theorist Foucault blabbed on about bureaucracy and lacking individuality for thousands of pages so I was probably doomed just going for a job in the first place and forget about Max Weber’s theories of bureaucracy. The bureaucracy – while organised to serve the people – that ultimately serves itself.

This is what I like to call the “It’s not you, it’s Bureaucracy”.

5) Most of the time that lowly position already has an applicant ready to take the job – and the public responsibilities of corporations / government agencies is that they MUST advertise the position and interview suitable applicants anyway.

So if you DON’T get that fucking job, you were stooged in the first place. So don’t worry about it. Somewhere, some fucking company won’t have a clue what to do because the applicant has not already been sorted, and that business will have to hire someone from the outside, so fingers crossed that happens for you, one day.

“It’s not you: the other one’s already lined up”.

6) I don’t need to tell you that if you don’t actually want this job, either don’t turn up or bother applying for it in the first place.

However – if you DO want this job, your life is depending on it, you are so desperate for this job and you can’t live without securing THIS ONE JOB, then I urge you to read further.

“It IS you”.

7) No job is worth killing yourself over if you don’t get it. Seriously. I went for a job last week and was slightly suicidal when I didn’t get it (apparently somebody else had a better skill set at “records management” than I did. What a riveting life experience.) And all someone has to tell you about failing to secure this one job that your life depends on is that “the successful candidate had greater experience at such-and-such and so-and-so than you did. Sorry.”

That person on the phone is neither sorry or cares about your feelings, your thoughts or your life, so don’t worry about that job. Something better is around the corner, even if it might occur to you eventually after that drunken evening consoling yourself with alcohol, chocolate cake and biscuit mix in front of the fridge at 2am. Study, do something you love, think about what you would do if you had the time and do it. Because, excusing lack of financial incentive, you have the time. Grab the inclination and opportunity while you can.

And let’s face it – everyone has a fucked up side to themselves and the person who got that job is going to fuck it up at some point, and you can smile in the self-satisfied back-handed way that – at least it wasn’t you.

“It’s not you. It’s just not you”.

8) Wipe that desperate, fucking look off your face. Apparently starving yourself to feed your children in very tight times won’t help you secure that job. Trust me, I tried that (sort of). I wasn’t starving – exactly – though I had practiced my “pleading-you-will-be-saving-2-children-from-working-in-a-mineshaft” look and it was as affective as tossing acid at people to win friends.

“It’s not you, it’s that look of mindless desperation on your face”.

9) And FFS, don’t’ mention your children. That’s instant shit fight right there. You are thinking: “my children mean I am organised, instinctive, able to multi-task, talented and with a GSOH”. What they are thinking is: “shit, more days of work with sick kids, appointments, distracted at work and constantly late.”

Your children may be your little angels, however, if you have them, to everyone else they’re shit demons.

“It’s not you, it’s your kids”.

10) Don’t drink alcohol or eat anything cheesy, meaty, oniony or Indian-style before an interview. I did that once.

“It’s you, and your liquid lunch”.

(I’ve never actually consumed alcohol prior to a job interview though in hindsight I really wish I had. In hindsight I had nothing to lose so a smashed, karaoke-style rendition of “HEY BIG SPENDER” might have gone down a treat and been legendary among the desperately unemployed).